Do you know the song, Fifteen, by Taylor Swift? This one of those few songs in life that can actually make me cry.
It’s also that this song was written for almost every girl at fifteen, including me eons ago, and I now have two teen girls and their friends whom I deeply care about at this tender and impressionable life stage.
I know some of them have already experienced some form of heartbreak and all have experienced the heartbreak of a very difficult year.
Sigh!
Trying to navigate teen life is next to impossible already but can I just say this in mourning?
Trying to do this during Covid is awful…
But alas, Covid world or not, fifteen has come for these kids and thus has the time for this blog I’ve been holding up in me for awhile to help families navigate through it. I hope you share it with your teen, if they’re struggling!
As I share a few tips below with others of you navigating, I’m borrowing the storytelling persona of someone much cooler than me (@taylorswift to talk about this stuff and to give a bit of advice from someone who’s been there (I usually try to remember to do this when I’m coaching teens also!)…
If you don’t know this emotional tune, I hope you take a spin through it right here if you’re not familiar as I plunge into some of the most compelling lyrics to bring it home.
For starters, love is an act and not just a feeling and it needs to be said to teens because…
“When you’re fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.”
In other words, girls and guys at this age can be super physically and emotionally attractive, it’s normal and the feelings of infatuation can take over fast. It’s normal, and even for younger kids it’s normal to feel passion. The shows and TV from Disney to High School Musical to yes, Taylor Swift, tell the kids want to find love even if they’re trying to resist. However, it’s just natural after menstrual cycles, etc, so it’s going to happen even if there’s no cable or Apple Music subscriptions.
What then?
In their desires, try not to be too hard on them and try to empathize with their feelings, not to block the desire. However, do work hard to keep them active and healthy in other ways as their brains aren’t ready for love yet, as Taylor warns them in one of her wiser songs.
And then there’s the whole thing about the “now” mentality, and the immediate gratification.
“In your life you’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team. I didn’t know it at fifteen.”
The next step is to make sure you teach your kids about how long life is and about critical thinking skills – getting the best prize for waiting longer.
Girls especially need this, as yes, boys are physical but their sports, families, friends, and futures, at least in my counseling sessions and talks with them make them slower than girls to want to commit.
Girls need to know that as fun and adoring boys are, they don’t want to marry or commit in the teen year, and even if they didn’t, they’re brains are not done developing.
Try to help your kids to appreciate when others are attracted to them but to keep it in perspective. The feelings may be equally as intense but the boys are not ready to settle the way girls feel they are.
So what should they do when the feelings intensify. Yes, keep them busy, in groups, and thinking critically…also, to use another Taylor line…
“Count to ten take it in, this is life before you know who you’re gonna be at fifteen.”
One of the best pieces of advice I have for you or encourage your boys and girls is to take that count to ten, but literally don’t take ten seconds or minutes or days, not even months. Make it about ten years before you really give your heart to another person.
In this modern age, there is time we didn’t have a century ago. I know more than you’d like right now for being bored.
But in ten years you or your kids will be balanced with a career, that young brain brain will just be done delivering, and you’re going to know what you want and largely who you are….you’ll still have many childbearing years left and guess what, boys are starting to mature by twenty-five.
Yes, I said starting. Don’t rush it. Why? Sometimes, no, usually, it doesn’t work out…even with the nice boys.
“Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind, and we both cried.”
In the meantime, cry with your friends who don’t wait, give yourself grace and be a friend to yourself if you’re that friend, and allow time to mourn for yourself. Thank you to the ladies who have kindly helped me to do this when I didn’t know to do it for myself… and wait.
You’re worth the wait, trust me. Figure out who you are and have fun laughing and joking in groups with boys if you want to get to know them.
But when they try to date you with any seriousness, wait.
They aren’t ready. You aren’t ready.Take some time to let destiny settle in.
“I didn’t know it at fifteen.” Taylor Swift
