Last weekend my family was having a bonfire with my teen daughters and a few of their friends. The gathering had already been cancelled twice prior due to Covid but we were making the most of it with some of the gang.
They were alternating singing Frozen 2, Hercules, and High School Musical with the likes of Justin Timberlake and Taylor Swift and I was down for all of it. One of the girls I’ve been a mom mentor to for a long time started singing the song Fifteen by Taylor Swift and I started singing along. My eldest, who is fifteen, said, “Mom, I thought you don’t like this song, you always want to turn it off:”
“I love this song.” I told her, it’s just a hard one because, truly, it hits home. It’s become a classic because this is “that song” that was written for almost every girl at fifteen, including me eons ago, and now I have two teen girls and their friends whom I deeply care about going through these coming-of-age moments and it’s not easy.
I didn’t want her or any of these girls I love thinking of these issues, I wanted to freeze this campfire moment that we had fought so hard to create.
Sigh!
Trying to navigate teen life is next to impossible already but can I just say this?
Trying to do this during Covid sucks even way worse…
As much as I love to find joy, I can’t spin 2020 perfectly or even close. I am so mourning for teens today and I pray this article helps you and they to navigate better.
I also so admire them for the work they’re doing to hold it together in their adolescent brains in this crazy season, trying to desperately connect on social media on all hours, trying earnestly not to infect elderly people, trying not to offend others, trying to navigate new high school and college classes virtually with little teacher support in many cases, and to trying to look cool or at least not too terribly strange with a mask on their face.
But alas, Covid world or not, fifteen has come, like it or not, and it’s time for this blog I’ve been holding up in me for awhile to help families navigate through it. I hope you share it with your teen(s) if they’re struggling!
In my retelling I’m also borrowing the storytelling persona of someone much cooler than me (@taylorswift) to talk about this time in life (although let’s hope we don’t need all the same lessons as she’s had to learn because we always hope better for the next gen!)…
If you don’t know the song, take a spin through it right here as you read and as I plunge into some of the most compelling lyrics to bring it home.
First, “Cause when you’re fifteen and someone tells you they love you, you’re gonna believe them.”
Girls are socialized for seeking true love from the beginning with our earliest dollies but some of it is surely natural. I can remember even my four-month old daughter batting her eyes at my friend Stacey’s son – she clearly adored the male attention even then which surprised me a little. My own crushes started super young also, however, and loads of little girls I know are also deeply lovestruck and impressionable at these ages.
In other words, girls and guys at this age can be super physically and emotionally attracted to others. It’s normal, and even for younger kids it’s normal. They want to find love, and even if they’re trying to resist, they still deeply desire connection and fulfillment even it doesn’t exactly correlate with Erik Erikson’s stages and it comes sooner. They tell each other they love each other when it’s just a feeling. Try to empathize with this, not block the desire to love, even though I DO want you to work hard to keep them active and healthy in other ways. Don’t get caught up in the drama with them. Why?
Because, “In your life you’ll do things greater than dating the boy on the football team. I didn’t know it at fifteen.”
Boys are physical but their sports, families, friends, and futures, at least in my counseling sessions and talks with them in most cases, make me see. They want the physical touch but are slower than girls to want to make a long term commitment. Girls need to hear this, often, from their teachers, parents, and mentors. It’s OK to stereotype a bit and to generalize, this is what research does. Know that as fun and adoring boys are, they don’t truly want to marry or commit in the teen years, and even if they didn’t, they’re brains are not done developing so it doesn’t even usually matter if they do because they will likely shift.
Try to help your kids to appreciate when others are attracted to them but to keep it in perspective. The feelings may be equally as intense whether you have sons or daughters but most boys are not ready to settle the way girls feel they are. They usually know that the next season holds different promises and freedoms and don’t usually want to be harnessed down to a girl unless the mom is pushing or the mom is unavailable. Otherwise they’re content with a physical or fantasy relationship, not emotionally long-lasting for years and decades.
What can kids do while they’re waiting? How long should they wait?
“Count to ten take it in, this is life before you know who you’re gonna be at fifteen.”
Get to know yourself in the meantime, or encourage your children to do this. The truth is, even girls, as mature and seemingly wise as they can be in the teen years, aren’t finished developing either so it’s really not so simple as waiting for the boys to catch up. Finding a career doesn’t usually happen until the early twenties and girls aren’t ready for a family by fifteen either.
One of the best pieces of advice I have for you is to encourage your boys and girls is to absolutely count to ten, but literally. Don’t take ten seconds or minutes or days, not even months. Make it about ten years before you really give your heart to another person.
In ten years you’ll be on your feet with a career, your brain will just be done developing, and you’re going to know what you want and largely who you are….you’ll still have many childbearing years left too and guess what, boys are starting to mature by twenty-five.
Yes, I said starting. Don’t rush it. And if you or a friend do rush it, listen up…
“Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind, and we both cried.”
Grieve it. Cry with your friends who don’t wait, give yourself grace and be a friend to yourself if you’re that friend who didn’t wait and learned it the hard way, and allow a little bit of time to mourn for the imperfect parts of your life.
You’re worth the wait, trust me. Figure out who you are and have fun laughing and joking in groups with boys if you want to get to know them.
But when they try to date you with any seriousness, wait.
They aren’t ready. You aren’t ready. Keep positive mentors and friends in your life and keep exploring the lovely earth. Keep learning fascinating things you and only you are interested in and soon enough, you’ll grow into the wonderful and interesting person you’re becoming even now!
“I didn’t know it at fifteen.” Taylor Swift
