Our daughters are vulnerable. When my girls went in for their piano festival performances this weekend, I could cut the tension with a knife. They felt it, too. “Mom, we are literally being judged,”one of them said, already somewhat calloused since this wasn’t her first rodeo.
In fact, that same daughter has already been through a surgery last November. She did amazingly well but I sure felt her vulnerability there also. Feeling all she was dealing with and trying to calmly and cheerfully watch her be put under for this minor procedure as I was given a flimsy pager and told to wait outside, I wanted to take it from her with every fiber in me. My own minor surgery as a teen had been way easier! I love that girl beyond and I know you love your girls just as much!
Though both of those “waiting room moments” were hard for us, these too, along with joy and fun, are part of life and remind us to prepare our kids for healthy direction in their lives whatever may come.
I don’t know the ages of your daughters but they do grow fast and in under a decade, my daughters will be dating and so will yours eventually if not already. I’ll remind you, dating in a world where, from what my young clients tell me, even thirteen year old girls are being asked for “nudes” and almost everyone is vaping “because it’s not really that bad for you.”
I’m preparing my girls to be as strong as possible for their futures and I know you’re doing the same. And the good news is there are so many examples of amazing leaders, both male and female, who can show them the way to health. And they do need both males and female role models here.
Here are the best tips I’ve rec’d from my years of study, practicing therapy and coaching, and of course through #momming my teen and preteen daughters.
- Don’t ever give up on helping them to find great friends! This is #1 for a reason. You are not the apple of your daughter’s eye when she starts growing, her friends are. I keep a decently close watch on helping steer friendships without helicoptering, this is essential. I’ve invested my time into getting to know these girls at least a bit, as I lead their teen group monthly. Most I have known through my one day a week classic literature class so if you coach or help in a classroom capacity that’s an easy way in. Do your part to give them healthy friendships with girls who are also learning what’s up out there and how to navigate.
- Show grace but set high standards. My girls make a daily list that I check and expect completion and both daily and overarching direction but don’t domineer or micromanage as we work on their goals. They each have their own style. I also keep them on a varied fitness regime as a life practice and I occasionally talk w/them about various body styles of health and fun workout styles. Some of their friends have already asked to compare weights and this is just the beginning. Girls are SO into media representation so conversations about balance, strength, and health are essential as they download fun tik tok apps and watch ASMR videos and who knows what! One of my daughters is super proud she is stronger than me physically now but she knows I’m still boss! That’s just our body types and we celebrate that together and talk about those amazing quads she’s rocking!
- Get them involved in both sports and arts as well as intellectual pursuits and service projects. Not necessarily all at once, but definitely check ALL of those boxes. Yes you can! And where you can’t, give them mentors in these areas. In addition to naturally watching their coaches and teachers and I only keep them with good ones (this gives them a bunch of mentors naturally besides me each week), my girls follow Serena Williams on instagram, they’ve learned about the Proverbs 31 woman and read the Bible app, they’ve done modesty/Secret Keeper girl Bible studies, they serve babies at church, and the like. We’ve entered speech contests, interviewed female bakers and entered contests, met artists, athletes, musicians and dancers, since these are my girls’ interests so far. They don’t win every time or stick with everything but these experiences keep them full of richness and grit which will bless them now and later.
You may think this sounds challenging but our girls can rise to the challenge and be as versatile as is needed. They will need to be, quite honestly. Tailor your daughters’ precious free hours to not only fun and relaxation but to making her into the woman God wants her to be in the body of Christ.
- Teach them self defense. When out, keep them in groups. My girls stick together with their crew and one another even walking to the nearby athletic courts. We follow an Instafeed on self defense and talk it out. They’ve seen real stats and watched the trafficking movie Priceless and Soul Surfer, since we live near the ocean! Fighting a man or shark, or in our ‘hood, gator, is something they need to prep for, though hopefully they will never need to use these skills.
- Give them space to just cry and process. They will need to rely on this process and on God when life is bigger than they can manage. Just be with them in this and when they ask for space (unless they ask 24/7), just give some of that here also. If they’re overwhelmed and needing a bit of help, you know where to find us.
Also, tell them about real life. This world isn’t perfect. Instead of acting like it is, model how to get through life, trusting God for the stuff too big for us…He redeems the WORST of things, believe me! I also heard about that modeled at the Oscars last night with Selma Blair using her all-star influence to rock that cane she wielded like a boss versus camping out in her MS disability.
Though tears and troubles will come, marvelously, with God’s help, they WILL rise! The great poet Maya Angelou, who survived years of abuse and racism and thrived, reminds us,
“You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
