If you just “can’t” say you’re sorry this time, here’s a few ways to re-establish a broken bond that felt a little (or a lot) broken.
- Look at the person who has been offended with the eyes of God. They are a precious child of the King and they are hurt or angry for some reason that is real to them, even though you don’t feel it.
- Apologize for hurting them but don’t feel the need to get into extreme detail. “I’m so sorry I hurt you,” Period. You don’t need to go on about how you had a long day or defending your character.
- If they persist, and you feel you must, go ahead and get specific with them. Here’s why it didn’t happen for me. Here’s why I left it. Be honest, even if it was because you totally didn’t see it. Two wrongs don’t make a right so just be honest.
- Most importantly, let them know you love them. Do what emotionally focused couples therapist Sue Johnson teaches worldwide as a leading couples therapy, embracing the idea of a “turning towards” response versus a “turning away” response in conflict. After you’ve offered up a term of endearment and/or a comforting touch, offer up a statement of personal love. Love is an action, so make sure it’s something you can give that your spouse or family member finds valuable. Notice you’ve just covered your bases for words of affirmation, physical touch, and acts of service here, not bad! But be genuine. For instance, don’t offer to wash their car if it’s thirty degrees where you live and you may not get to it, or if they already love washing their car themselves.
- Make sure it is something that shows them you care and then do it, again, a turning towards behavior. Try to do something that is a direct response to the incident if you can. If you forgot to make dinner and promised you would, go get it the next couple of nights. If it was that you weren’t emotionally close when they needed you to be there, don’t run off next time they’re in tears but instead give yourself a pinch or whatever you have to do to wake up to the deeper question asked, which is inevitably your family member feeling unloved or unseen, unappreciated or undesired. Let them know that you care by showing up for the game when they’re hurting the worst and being the most vulnerable.
Even with all of these answers, however, we’re still left with a mind-boggling question. Why is it so easy to say an I’m sorry for accidentally bumping into someone on an escalator but to your own family whom you’ve pledged your life to, it’s the hardest thing in the world to say when you did something by mistake?
It’s not just because people are fickle and temperamental (although we can be both of those things, let’s admit it), it’s often for a different reason. Sometimes we don’t want to apologize because we truly don’t think we were in the wrong. We feel pride about apologizing when we honestly didn’t mean to do anything. It feels like the request for it is a theft of our very souls and we’re not willing to release that.
As you recollect these tips about restoring a relationship when you don’t feel sorry, remember this final example about the escalator will remind you that it’s legit not about losing your soul so don’t be overdramatic – it’s about propriety and love. You would give the apology to as stranger even though it was accidental, so why not give it to your spouse, sibling, parent or children whom you don’t want trouble with but want good days with? How much did the words and behaviors cost? Jesus says to love your enemies and do good to those who hurt you in Luke 6:27 and His Word is always good. This is different from laying down and being stomped on, different from admitting something you didn’t do, it is just simply loving someone who is hurting,
